Catherine's birthday

Today is 20th June, and yesterday was the 19th--Catherine's birthday. She would have been 33.

Last year I had quite a crisis at birthday-time. (My birthday is 2 days later and we always used to celebrate together. It was a birthday "season" rather than just one day.) And last year I'm sorry to say I went out and drank a bottle of wine with Catherine. As she wasn't there, I had to drink it all. It didn't have a good outcome.

This year dear Simon has been vigilant to help me not be so silly again. Awhile back I saw a video about Georgia (Eastern Europe, not USA) and how the tradition there on certain occasions is to go to the loved one's grave and have a little feast or picnic right there, to include them in the festivity.

So that's kind of what we did yesterday.

Cherry liqueur: A memory of happy times living in Hungary, and a drink that Catherine liked that we both enjoyed back there. When we opened the bottle and sang her "happy birthday", we poured the first and second helpings onto the grave.

Marble cake: Something we served at Catherine's funeral. White and black symbolising that life isn't simple. There are sweet times and bitter times.

Strawberries: Memories of Catherine's childhood, taking her out "Pick Your Own" strawberry picking. And it turned out that Simon had another more recent memory. I can't say I exactly remember this, but he recalled an occasion that Catherine was visiting and we went out to a market and they were selling off the over-ripe strawberries and Catherine bought loads and loads. We ate a lot, she gave us some to keep, and took some home with her.

We also had ready-cooked chicken legs from Tesco, but we didn't end up eating them right there. Catherine loved chicken, and when we would visit her in hospital we would often bring her the cooked chicken like this, as she liked it and requested it. And when we visited her at home, sometimes she'd cook for us but other times she wasn't well enough to cook, so we'd pick up the chicken on the way there. I must confess I don't like it which wasn't a problem when she was around as she'd eat and eat it, but this time she wasn't here... So I left it all for Simon.

Any bereaved parents who are reading this will know how difficult their child's birthday is. I don't know if this "birthday picnic" will appeal to you, but for me, it helped. Also this year, instead of getting tearful because I couldn't buy her a birthday card, I bought a card and brought it to the grave. Well, I still cried when I bought it, but it felt better to do something than nothing.

Something else that got me through the day was posting on Facebook  the theme I have for each of her birthdays, basically: "Do something kind in Catherine's honour and memory", and there were quite a few comments from this person and that. I so much want Catherine to be remembered with love. I wish with all my heart that she is still aware that she is loved and missed.

So that's Catherine's 3rd post-living birthday. It's difficult to conceive that it is always going to be like this. It's not like she's emigrated and might one day return. I'm not so sure she would want to either.

All of this "being busy" helps me survive, but honestly, with both of my children gone, that isn't easy. But survive I am, and now the next stage of busy-ness, besides earning a bit of a living and my new charity work, is doing things to honour their memory. Hopefully that might be the theme of my next post.