Speak and Spell

Passing some time in the waiting room of the specialist arthritis hospital where I come twice a year for check ups.

Cath came with me once on one of her visits. And on her very last visit, she and Simon picked me up and we went for a picnic. Later that does we took her to the train station. That was the last time I saw Cath alive. I can't believe how calm I am writing this.

The first few times I came back to this hospital were very emotional. I was reliving that last day. Now I can manage it. There's always a long wait so lots of time to reflect. Maybe that's why it is more manageable now, I've processed it over and over.

But what got me writing right now was a woman sitting in the waiting room with her daughter, probably 2 or 3 years old. They were playing an educational game on a tablet, spotting letters of the alphabet.

And it made me think of Cath at that age and her "Speak and Spell". I guess it was one of the earliest versions of an electronic educational game device.

Cath was always a great speller. Don't know how much Speak and Spell had to do with it but she enjoyed it.

And that is a happy memory.

(Picture will follow)

 

Spirals

Haven't been having such an easy time of it lately--understatement! There were the Christmas and New Year blues, but more than that, there was trouble with my family, and then the difficulty on working on a response to the Health Ombudsman about the report into Catherine's death.

I suppose what I want to say here--the reason for writing today--is that grief is not a linear journey. You don't get in a vehicle and travel in a straight line, passing one point after the other, or those nicely packaged "stages" that are sometimes referred to. According to that model, finally you get there, to that place of peace where you are reconciled to the loss. I wish it was like that, but it isn't.

No, grief is spiral. You come to a gloomy, dismal point, you think you've gone past it, but then things happen and you find yourself there again.

An old friend has been posting comments on this blog, so this has led me to re-read some of my posts from a year ago. I just read about "finding joy", and at the moment I can barely imagine what that felt like! But it was me who wrote it!!

It's odd the things that knock me for a loop. Over Christmas I watched the final of "Strictly Come Dancing" which is a bit of silly entertainment TV that I quite enjoy. I consider Strictly as "safe" viewing as there's nothing about death or mental illness or disaster which would drag me down into a sad train of thought.--One of the hazards of film, television and news watching.

But even Strictly wasn't safe after all. Because there was a young woman, dancing beautifully, and there was her mum sitting watching proudly and emotionally. There, just there, is that relationship I miss: Mother and daughter, proud and happy. Mother and daughter, together. Mother and daughter, making memories.

I don't have enough memories of Pax and Catherine. There can never be enough, because it should be the other way round. I should be gone, they should be the ones who will be remembering their mum.

Pax's birthday message received from Bhopal

What a lovely message to receive today from Bhopal! My heart is so touched

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Dear Loving Friends Abi and Simon,

wishing you all a Very Happy New Year from me Fr. Stan and Mr. Kenny.May this new year be filled with God's mighty blessings, Peace and Prosperity.  They express their gratitude towards your Christmas gift which I have shared with them.

Today is the birthday of our Pax. Morning onward  our Kenny decorated his grave with flowers and lighted candles. I am happy to inform you that I did offer a Holy Mass for the repose of his soul. May our good Lord keep him in heaven as little angel to sing and pray for you all.  May our Lord bless you and solace and courage to you.This is my humble prayer for you and May His soul rest in Peace.

Thank you so much for your great support and encouragement in our mission. I deeply appreciate and admire your sacrifice you make towards the poorest children education. Thanks for your friendship and spirit of solidarity. Our best wishes and greetings to Simon please.

Yours true friend,

Fr. Arul Samy 

Happy birthday, Pax

3rd January. Pax was born in 1979. He would have been 35 tomorrow (today in an hour)

This time last year, we were getting ready for our big trip to Bhopal. Thank God for all the wonderful people who helped us on our journey... Sandeep, Savita, Father Anton, Father Samy, Joaquim, Kenny, and nameless car drivers and others.

I am glad Pax now has a tomb; I'm so glad we located his grave. I'm glad that so many more people remember Pax, he has made it into many more consciousnesses than we know.

But I still wish that rather than all that, he was here.

God give me strength for this childless future